Bobblehead

There is only one way to describe how I felt when I woke up today..bobblehead! My head felt 5xs as big as my body..I hate colds..ughhhh

I again went into work late after a Theraflu treatment a few extra hours of ZZZZZ and a hot shower...I still feel like a bobblehead but more awake!

I was reading my favorite foodie blog and realized..I havent menu planned in sooo long...wait 3 years at least. Life seemed to stop 3 years ago...

So I picked up my pen and paper and began mapping out my shopping list and 10 days of meals...one more thing started again..just different as it is meals for 2 or 3...but another step!

Yea Spring!

Hmmm insightful people surround me!

"A change..I can sense a change about you..opening the door...stepping into the sunlight...You go girl...step out.."

Thanks Chelle

"It is good to see you smile..really smile.."

My Boss

"You are ready...Go slow...I love you"

I love you too Mom

You will be ok...you are strong and beautiful...like a butterfly..be what you are meant to be..fly

Stephanie- nieniedialouges.com

Thank you Stephanie..thanks for showing us all beauty

So with some of the strongest support I have and some of the most wonderful people I know..I have announced...me...I am ready

Yuck

I have a sore throat...I woke up feeling like a Mac truck had hit me..low grade fever, sore throat and pounding headache...but alas I drug myself out of bed at 7 am...I HAD to get the roast in before collapsing back into my blankets

Drank some water..took Tylenol
Made Theraflu in a mug
peeled potatoes
started the CrockPot (that my son lovingly bought with his own money for me at Christmas!)
Put the roast in..added carrots and sliced potatoes
Spices ands garlic
Add a little broth...

Oh and take the above pictured pup out to potty, fed and watered..

Back to bed..
WAIT..
call boss..reminded of teleconference at the office at 1..will I make it in??

YUCK

Up at 10:30am..better..not great..showered..more coffee..at the office

Did anyone get the license plate of that truck that hit me?

Sight..with no eyes

I am watching Extreme Makeover...wow a 19 yr old with so much insight. Yet this is something I try to teach my kids on a daily basis...The boy said..I am blind with no eyes yet see better than most. I do not judge on color, looks or the outside like most sighted people. I see the inside which is who the person really is..

This year on Nicks wrestling team there were a few kids with physical and mental disabilities..he was always supportive and yet as protetive as he was of the kids he also treated them as any other wrestler.. I always said..walk in their shoes..be them for a day..

Ok this show can really get me thinking!

Off to workout...besides cleaning the kitchen!

This is inspiration..this is courage...this is my support in looking deep inside finding the real you and what is truly important and good..what you have to offer and to give to others and what family and true courage is....Steph has been thru so much and is still one of the most beautiful people I know. Her pain, her strength and her undying love for her family is amazing. I feel blessed beyond words

Last night we had group dinner at my house..single parents and all the kids sharing whatever is in the fridge! A great group of neighbors and always interesting conversation! John and Chelle both said.."when you are ready to date you will have them lined up around the block" (HA thinking a few more months at the gym..maybe.) The ideal that what is inside a person is so powerful..intelligence, emotion, mental strength and well-being and spirituality can make a person remind me of Steph..in so many ways..one day at a time...John says.."I could talk to you for hours..you listen, truly listen and care..you have had what so many of us look for." That what friends are for I said in response!

I miss Bill dearly but he taught me so much and gave to me in so many ways. I am strong & I have been loved with all of his heart and soul. I know what I want I know I am a good person and friend, I dont dwell on what could be but instead what will be and how to get there, I know I am a fantastic Mom and work hard to always let my kids know their importance in my life and remind them to be true to themselves and love who they are.

When talking last night they said.."But you know that absolute love, the true heart and soul and being in love with your best friend"....I do and it truly was a gift. I know what a healthy relationship is and how to have one. I have strong morals and values and a deep spiritual strength. God is good and has gotten me thru so much... I do not preach my beliefs rather I live them, I do not force them on others but hope to be a support and mentor. We all have "issues" and "baggage" as Chelle stated.. I like to look at it as having a past and life experiences. You grow when you learn from them and do not re-do the mistakes but rather change for the better so not to repeat.

So now on to the gym tonight and to finish my cottage cheese and broccoli!

Being adorable..with brains!!

Last night we went out dancing..I dont drink but I love to dance! Being with my friends in a small salon dancing and knowing 1/2 the people that walk in the door is fun, no drinks needed except for ice water with a straw.. please!
SO we danced and danced..3 hours worth! (legs are feeling it today with topping it off with a 2 mile walk before dancing and then a workout on Sunday!)
This weekend one of our friends brought along a buddy (male) and he was amazed at how short I am and how amazing I was! LOL not sure how to take that but he was a nice guy, he was there to meet people and boy did he LOL. The comment.."Your eyes smile and you love to laugh"..made me feel alive..just to be able to show signs that I feel alive...
I struggle with the physical apperance of losing weight and not feeling thin..but that is all in time..and it is all a physical exsistence..because what doesnt change is I love to smile, laugh, be with friends, dance, wear cute clothes, get a pedicure and feel cute...adorable...lol the last comment was "freakin cute"!
I have brains, strong common sense, intelligence, passion and secure in who I am and what I have accomplished...and am continuing to accomplish...I dont need fixing...I need to live and enjoy life..thru the highs and lows..

Me...still me

Somedays I feel lost..how do I reconnect, how do I laugh and smile when so much has changed, how do I find me again....because I feel "me" is lost in so many of the changes and the re-defining of my life. I am still me in that I love my friends, my family and my children. I love to spend time with people, watch tv curled up on the couch, take the dogs for walks, watch my kids play sports, sew and quilt, cook and venture out and find the new and undiscovered...sometimes it is hard to do those things alone.
Not that I need someone to complete me or to be with me but there is something to be said about companionship and someone to talk and share with...actually alot to be said!

But for now I am working on me...the workout room, taking those walks and counting those points...finding me after 3 years of chocolate comfort (ok not that bad!) and finding soliace in food and my couch...because actually that wasn't me...but it helped me keep moving just not forward...

So "forward" is the 2010 keyword...keep moving forward but never leaving behind anything...just learning its place in the "forward"

Driving...Detour

For the past 11 years I have drove the same way...everyday..twice a day to work and home..home has changed, life has changed..work has remained the same. SO the drive thru the backroads and farm country has been peaceful, the same and unchanged ...comforting.

Starting last week they starting tearing the road up to bring in new water lines...panic set in..I dont want to drive a different ways...I wanted to yell..I HAVE HAD ENOUGH CHANGES..THIS IS MY ROAD...MY WAY...oh please let me thru...please dont make me drive a different way.

Alas this morning...Road is Closed No thru Traffic

I called my boss...I don't want to drive the detour...I want to go home (tears streaming down my face and hands shaking) Please can I work from home for the next 15 months...do not make me drive a different route...He said..Steph get out your Thomas Guide..It is ok..we will get you thru this and you can make this change....so slowly while remembering to breathe and listening to directions, I drove into the office.

I survived, saw new scenery, discovered new roads but the most important...I made it..I made the change...I still will drive from home to work and back ..I am still ok and it really wasn't as scary as I feared. Anxiety calmed, day started and I am ok...I really am Ok..a bit shaken and frazzled..but I am ok

I can do this..I will be ok...breathe & listen...keep walking...I will be ok

Comic Strip

And then there was this comic strip today...

One says...Val I am guessing you cant commit to Phil because you lost Tom..but Honey.. Tom Died years ago

Val says- I know that... I remember EXACTLY when he died

The other says - It is time to forget when he died and remember when he LIVED..and move on...

I cried and cried this morning...then cut it out and have read it so many times...Somedays it is hard to remember the living we have shared over the sorrow I have felt