Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Life...live it

"It is not what you have, but what you give to your family, your community and your country."Hallie Ford
"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they are doing things that they think are important. This is because they are chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to the community around you and devote yourself to creating something that gives you meaning and purpose"
Morrie (Tuesdays with Morrie)
Finding myself on a daily search on how to now find life fulfilling and not just as a exsistance has been challenging. Why go to bed it is lonely and how to fill a weekend that I am use to camping, fishing and exploring during. How to find the smile that use to radiate from within and to find ways to keep going and find a future.....create something that gives meaning and purpose....


Here is an older post..some past feelings and reflections

Wow today was Corys last day of High School...I am not sure it is the shock of my first born completing such a large acheivement in such a time of loss and turmoil or the idea I have a child who has completed 13 years of school and it seems so clear the memories of this time in my life 20 years ago. I sat this morning and shared with him a story he has heard often of his first day of Kindergarten and how it wasnt the other children the Kindergarten teacher had to console but it was me, the mom of a new student who wouldn't leave her child and stayed in the doorway then peering thru the window as her child began a new adventure. Two hours later, while he was at recess I quietly left..smiling at the picture of him playing and laughing yet tears rolling down my cheeks at having to leave him in the care of another. Some times letting go can lead to wonderous things...that day of letting go and letting him begin an education (even thought I was always there and very involved) has produce a amazing young man. I have often heard so many say how they have "felt" pride or been proud. With Cory it has been felt often and the tightening in my chest and the smile that is from ear to ear and many times the tears falling down my check are produced from that pride. I have been blessed with a respectful, kind, caring, loving, honest, responsible and hard working child that has taken all of that and begin his start into manhood making all that are involved in his life PROUD. He has been my rock and strength through losing Bill. Cory still wont go to bed until he knows I am in bed and getting ready to go to sleep...yes sometimes it is 2 or 3 in the morning..yet he is still awake. He has held me and comforted me when I find my self crying and the loss overwhelming and I let a little of the pain out. At 17 I never would have wanted my child to ever have to experience this loss and to see his Mom so overcome. Yet he is always there...he always has been even as a little boy he would often say "It is ok Mom I am here"..something I have always told him and he will reply, "Mom you always have been there...always". Cory is such a awesome big brother and I know he will help Nick grow into a good man just as Bill has given the tools to be sucessful and productive. His dad would again be so proud of the boy he has taken as his own and loved, guided and nurtured. So often as we watched Cory complete a goal or learn new things he would share with us I would look over at Bill and see the half smile and the tears of pride. He would ruffle Corys hair and tell him how proud he was or hug him. I know next week as Cory turns 18 and completes his high school graduation that his dad will be looking down with pride, love and respect on one of his kids.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Relating life at 18

Cory had to write a book report last year and when going thru old papers he gave this to me..again a reflection of his loss and the day march 2, 2007 that would always change our lives..

A person in this book reminded me of who my dad was, all the way up to his tragic death. This person happens to be the Reverend in the book. My dad is blunt, straight to the point, and my hero. When he got mad, you knew it; and so did everyone around you as well. He made a huge impact on a lot of lives, and not just mine, many others too. He made you laugh, cry, and pissed off at other times, but he always loved us. He was a very respectable man, and stood up for what he believed in. He was a German that stood six foot three inches and weighed two hundred and sixty pounds. But that morning I had no Idea that anything this devastating would ever happen. I woke up to get ready for another school day of Senior year Highschool, and so did my little brother, Nick, accept he was Freshmen. Everyone said we look the same. It was true accept that Nick didn’t want to ever admit it. I went to the kitchen where I could see my Dad on the computer doing who knows what. He was most likely looking at guns, knifes, or rocks for all of his collections. About ten minutes later right as me and Nick headed off for school, my Dad was complaining about having pain in his lower back area. But we had no time to be concerned, so we shouted as we left goodbye any have a good day. We headed out the door into my truck, when we got to the school we split up to go into our cliques until the bell rang. Fist period went by just fine, the whole time I was in there I was wondering if my Dad was going to be ok. Then second period rolls around and half-way through English 12 my teacher gives me a note saying that I need to get down to the Main office immediately. So I grabbed all of my stuff and zoomed down there, and I was greeted by the nicest person in the whole world I bet her name, Shari. “ Sit down honey” she said with a soft voice “ Your brother should be here soon” she said reassuring that this was about my Father. My brother showed up, and we sat side by side to each other, Shari turned to us and asked “Do one of you boys know how to get to the Meridian Hospital from here?” I raised my hand “I do.” “Ok, now, sweethearts, from what I’ve heard your dad is not doing so well, and your mother said not to worry, but to hurry on down to the Hospital and see what’s going on, ok.” she explained. “Alright Shari we will, thanks for your help” Nick said. “Bye” I said with my voice cracking. “Nick, go wait in the truck. I’ll be there in five minutes”. I said walking away. He assured me with teary red eyes and nodded. I ran to my truck and jumped in, I could see dried up tears up on nicks face, I buckled up and sped on the back roads to the hospital. We walked in to the ER and saw my mom right away, she grabbed us two boys and cried on our shoulders, me and my brother squeezed her tightly and poured all of our emotion on her shoulder. We sat in the waiting room with close and distant family talking amongst ourselves for about four hours until, my mother came out of the operating room and said with what seemed like a pained sorrowed voice and said that he had an aneurism that was down in his stomach and was on a main blood vessel that was connected to the heart. We all looked at her with open jaws. “Cory, Nick, come with me” she took us to the room with four tissue boxes and a lot of chairs. In there were my grandparents, step sister and brother, mom, my aunt, and two cousins. We sat in there for about twenty minutes when the doctor slowly waked in with his blue operating suit on. “We tried to do all we could, but after the aneurism burst we couldn’t get the blood to clot over the skin graft unfortunately, William has passed away” the doctor said with tears gathering in his eyes. That’s when the tissues came handy, every one found a shoulder to cry on and we sobbed and mourned for this great lost of a now remembered man, a respected man, and a man that I will never forget him for the rest of my time on earth. After the tears my mother asked me and my brother Nick if we wanted to see our Dad for the last time. We nodded our heads and she took us to the operating room. My eyes thought this was a trick, and unreal, but sadly I was mistaken. It was the first time I’ve ever seen a dead body, but I thought it would be someone else my first time seeing one. I walked up to him and noticed his skin was as pale as the mind could imagine. And his lips where blue. I was expecting him to sit up and say that he was ok, but when he didn’t that reassured me that this was real. I picked up his dead cold hand while my brother and mom watched. I said to him “Dad I will never forget you, and I hope your in a better place now.”
After that day, I went to school in the morning, Nick stayed home, and I felt like my life was reduce to a steaming pile of crud. I went down the halls with people I didn’t even know giving me the stare of pity. He was my Dad....my hero And from that day forward hundreds, maybe thousand’s, of people would show their respect and tip there hats to the thoughts of him, and take a moment of silence to honored his time on earth.

The above picture is of Cory and one of his favorite cousins, Sabrina. We were at the Steens Mountians to spread Bills ashes. Fall 2007

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The love of a child

This was written by Cory....a child's reflection of the love and safety a parent provides..the look back on what wont be ...

Well as some... or all of you know my dad died this
weekend, of a Anurism. And I just want to say, he was a good man,he raised me
for more than half of my life. And I tip my hat to him in respect, for being
there all the time, when I had nightmares and coming to save me. for taking me
camping and fishing. I'm going to miss him... alot... He was alot of support in
our family. and you know seeing his lifeless body lying on the hospital bed. I
thought tht he was going to wake up... but he just lay there, in peace.
Motionless. It made me think of a cliche " you don't know what you got till it's

Friday, September 26, 2008

Never stay angry..
It is a waste of time and we have so much better things to do then be angry..it is a waste.
It is ok to get angry and be angry..but it has its purpose and a time.
I can remember being so mad at him...2 hours later he commented on my grumpiness and I replied...well jeeesh I am still mad! He simply said "Why"...Hmmmm well I don't know arent you...He smiled and said "Yep I was mad 2 hours ago but we resolved it and I want to spend my time enjoying being with you...not being mad."
If everything in life could resolve itself so quickly and people move on with out angry...
I once learned about anger in a psych and communications class..it is a 2nd emotion. For being a 2nd emotion it sure can cause alot of harm and hurt.
We don't just get mad...mad or anger comes from another emotion. Hurt, disappointment, fear, let down, sad, and from there you begin to build anger and being mad...
Life can change so quickly and the next day is never the same as the first....not alot of room for anger if you want to make memories and enjoy the moment...so let it go after a while..dont hold on to it...resolve it and move on