Drive...just Drive

The one thing I LOVE about Oregon is I can go from the ocean (coast) to the mountians to the desert in one day...OK a long drive but it can be done!

While on my recent trip I found myself so facinated by the different terrain and the change in weather and the trees and landscaping....I felt I could drive..just drive for hours..ok I did!

This was a drive to remember and find the lost pieces but to also take in all that surrounds me and the beauty of my journey.

I experienced memories and feeling of the sorrow and mourning of losing Bill, the pain and anguish of a divorce and DV relationship...yet the birth of my children, the gift of beautiful friendships and relationships, my strength and belief in God and the true future that lays ahead of me so full of new beginnings was overwhelming...yet I never want to forget where I have been or what I have gone thru. I found it was time to release the pain and feelings of being trapped in sorrow and fear....I needed to start living! The one true jem that Bill left me was my strength and my goodness..he believed in me..and I was beginning to believe in me.

Pain and fear have a great hold on us...yet they limit us and stunt us in growth...I miss Bill every day with all my heart and soul but I cherish all he gave to me and stood by me. We made me promise to never stop living, laughing or being me..somehow that has been set aside as I have grieved and filled with sorrow. We had many talked on my trek across Oregon and I listened to that talk of how he admired me and was amazed at all I had given him and how he had never been "in love" until he met me...Steph...it is time to LOVE you..time to take all you know and all you are and live...this is a journey..

Ohhh look for a Giveaway on Monday! I am attending the Festival of Art this weekend and will find a goodie to share!

In this Little House

This was the house that a community helped build a home...We moved to this little house on a very cold October 20th, 1989 with a wee baby of 5 months. I fell in love with its homemade craftsman style. You could sit on the hardwood floors or stare at the glass door knobs and know it was crafted with local wood and love. The house was built by a mill worker and he was very talented! I loved the space and wood..I hated the no insulation and having to go to the basement to feed the monster wood burner (a coal converted furnace)..but would I ever understand the impact that this house had for 10 yrs and even now 22 yrs later as I returned.

This house reminded me of my time in Harney County. The community and my friends provided wonderful support and structure..they were my base and the reason I fell in love with this area. Yet my marriage was like the unfunctioning furnance and cold without insulation. As warm and cozy as my house looked from the street it was cold inside. One wall has magnificient old glass bricks...you could see the warm sunlite shine thru but you couldnt see the messy house, unfolded laundry, me in my PJs at 2pm or the tears that ran down my face.

I had a wonderful weekend meeting with friends and smiling, laughing, hugging and talking..so much to share! I missed them all so dearly..they warmed my heart and made me smile. They reminded me of the fun and good times, the times where I loved life and loved being a part of this community. I wanted to put 36 hours into one day and stretch out my 3 day weekend into longer. I wanted to hear their voices and laughter over and over...I want them to know how much I dearly miss them and how much I love them for all they have given to me and how I never stopped missing or thinking of them...and how I will never go 12 plus years again without knowing how their week went, what their kids are doing..or how they are doing...Life is too Short and people do grow a part because we get too busy or forget to check in or move away..but isnt there people you just miss so dearly and wonder how they are...After this weekend it reminds me to slow down and take the time because my friends are worth it..people are worth it

I woke up this morning..opened my window and missed the smell of juniper and listening to the wind..and I miss the sound of laughter..until next time I said..just until next time

10 Thoughts on Whole Living

10 Thoughts on Whole Living:

1) Rather than trying to fix your body, focus on how you want it to feel

2) The mark of true confidence is the ability to look someone in the eye!

3) Let the Seasons Guide your diet..the Earth grows what you need when you need it

4) Respect your feet. They have mastered the art of staying grounded while moving forward

5) Take charge of your own reflection. Stop letting the mirror win

6) Enlightenment doesn't always make a grand entrance. It slowly transforms the ordinary into the extraordinary

7) Change happens somehwere between the acceptance of now and the anticipation of whats to come

8) Dont obsess over weight loss, wellness is about making your life bigger, not smaller

9) Suprise yourself, push past your physical limits

10) Nothing connects you to who you are quite like the people who knew you when!

By Terri Trespicio

As I read and re-read this all morning out of my Whole Living magazine I realized these are some of the most powerful and true statements I can apply to my journey! Oh and #4 definately supports a pedicure this weekend!

Going Home

Most people consider going home the city in which they were born or raised..I consider going home to the place I started my family and grew roots..I remember the first day I went into the local grocery store..lost and looking like I was a traveler stopping for supplies on my desert hike. The checker smiles and asks where I am headed to..I replied "Here..we just moved here last night"..HERE she said loudly..."WHY do you have family here?"
You see I had just moved to a very small population yet HUGE land mass of a county 131 miles from any other city..Harney County, OR ..more precise.. Burns, Oregon (look it up on a map..you will see!) I said "No my husband transferred with NAPA and we have a small baby"..still looking puzzled she said "OH"
Yet
In this small community I began to grow roots...I raised my child, had a second baby, found a church, a group of friends..and began to realize family isn't always by blood or marriage yet by relationships. My first experience of living in such a community came within 6 mo. of living there, my baby became very ill and Lifeflight was on standby..I remember feeling so alone with family over 5 hours away..I called the minister of the small church we had been attending, that Saturday night, to ask him to put Cory and I on the prayer list..I need as much as we could get! He did more than that..John and Ruth showed up after services the next day and every day after for a week, the congregation brought meals, Grandma Linda and Desi came and held him so I could go home and shower, Elmer and his wife brought a beautiful blanket and prayed with me..the list goes on...and I felt safe..I felt home.
I was apart of the community and volunteered, was a part of the MOMS club, went to football games, all church happenings, supported the schools and worked in the community. We built a family of beautiful friends that were there for good or bad. We had a church that would envelope you in their love and God spirit and I fell in love with each of them. My kids played in the street, down the road, at neighbors and had wonderful Pseudo-Grandparents who my own birth family cherished as they knew their importance in our lives. I had friends that were more like sister that I couldn't breathe without on certain days. We attended weddings, funerals, parties, baby showers, Popsicles in the sun, tears over coffee and dinners when one of us were sick or needed a break.
One Spring I left quickly..into the late afternoon.. with the sun setting I drove out of town..a divorce pending, secrets of a marriage I couldn't share, fearful days and night being left so I could feel safe...and the sickness in my heart of stomach of leaving my home...my family..my community.
How often I would think of moving back..of feeling safe..of my children running in the streets safely laughing with their friends..of growing older with my friends...I had created new friends and was a part of a new community...but somehow over time I have realized I still will always have a part of my heart in Harney County..

And I am going back to visit in 2 weeks..not just a drive thru but a 3 day visit..and I feel like I am going home

A NEw Me a NEw Start

So 10 days away from 60 days..ok that makes today Day 50...and I am down 25 lbs. But it isnt just the weight loss it is the journey I have started.

It isnt a control issue with my Mom, a struggle with my parents divorce, a comfort after divorcing a domestic violence marriage, a frustration with my kids or sorrow after losing Bill...it is food, a needed resource for survival, but a unhealthy comfort that has had its own super power on me..because I let it

So now I control the food...when I am sad, frustrated, angry or empty I get to make the choice..healthy or give in...I took Easter Day off and jumped off the wagon to eat as I wanted..then Monday came and i woke up with the thought Ohhh just one more day off plan and I will order that Egg McMuffin and eat pizza...I will go back on plan tomorrow...WHAT WAS I THINKING...Hello I had given my self control and I was losing grip..one day can so easily became 2 or 3 or 5...NO..get up fix your MF oatmeal..YOU are worth it!! I did and I am worth it...but it isnt a diet it is a lifestyle change...I am going to have off days but I am in control so turn those around quickly and restart...

Having this Super Power is amazing...for most of my life food has been a battle for all the things listed above..but I have used it to fill the empty holes, comfort the sorrow and hurt and let it control me...now where did I lay down my magic lasso and park the invisible plane...

My Super Power I have Discovered

So yes I have lost 10 lbs in 9 days..but it isn't just the weight loss..it is the journey! I have found I am stronger than my weakness (junk food, carbs and all unhealthiness!) Truly I hold the power..the will power and the power of choice!

It isn't always an easy choice but when thinking of the results and benefits it is a necessity.. I can and will..I have the strength and power...Hmmm maybe I should buy a cape and make it a Super Human Strength..the willpower against the Carb and Unhealthy..

I didn't add it over night so alas I have resolved I can not subtract it over night (even though Math isnt my strong point I do understand the logistics of reason!) So this 9 days is 10 lbs! My reward for being true to me and a Super Power..a pedicure with bright green polish and a gem!

On to my next goal of 30 days On Program...even though I take it Day by Day..I also want to know there is a reward for a long term (not quite capturing bad guys and saving the world..But I am SAVING ME!!!)

A NEW Journey

Life I have decided is made up of many journeys that take us different directions..like a road trip..and some times we get lost or off on a path that isn't positive or healthy...
So I have decided my journey needs to make a change on a different path..
My health means my kids have a Mom for many years and I have so many plans and dreams to fulfill..so my new journey begins..where food isn't the focus but health and a future are..
After talking to my health coach last night the question of "Picture your self at the end of the journey".. "What do you want to look or feel like?"...I have pondered that all night..it has been so long I have NO idea what that looks like or feels like..I have had 2 babies (now 18 and 21) I have had major health issues (gall bladder, tubal, psuto brain tumor, thyroid and torn knee issues) that have plauged me for 20 years..so I have no idea who to live again thinner and healthy (never over 105lbs until after HS)So I have decided at this time I can not think THAT far out..right now is for today..these 24 hours where I will stay OP (on plan) and be good to myself (read a book, listen to music & visit with friends) instead of eating food or veggie around....maybe just maybe as I go along the ideal "future" me will be visible..the inside me will still be me with healtier ideals!

Soooo the journey begins..my feelings today..excited with a topping of nerves and hope...

Dear God:

Help her live her life
to the fullest.
Please promote her
and cause her to excel
above her expectations.
Help her to shine
in the darkest places
where it is impossible
to love.
Protect her at all times,
lift her up when she needs
you the most,

and

Let her know when
she walks with you,
She will always
be safe.

I have felt these words spoken to God by many of my friends as they have supported me and helped to guide me to become a strong person and to begin to heal over loss.

One part of my life that felt empty or lost was that of my beliefs and my relationship with God. I never lost God or felt angry..but I felt I needed to be lead back to his light and word...to rekindle that belief and know I am living my life as He has taught.
So my friend who walked beside me as I rekindle this deep need and relationship was Rachelle. We began going to the church across the street from where we lived..it is warm and inviting with music that warms your soul and brings tears with its message and meaning. We went a few times a month and some times attendance was spotty but we have always said how glad we are after the service. It renews that relationship you have with God..it strengthens your weary soul and it reminds you there is no purer or bigger love than his. God is good and also very patient!

We chit chatted with others and joined in to worship together and I was in such awe of Rachelle's spiritual strength and her depth of Gods word and teachings..I was in wonder of her connection with God and I was beginning to find my way back to the importance of my beliefs...there is no greater love or acceptance.

Before any other relationship comes that of mine with God. There is an emptyness that comes from straying or walking down the other path..but there is a fulfilling and deep warmth when you strengthen your beliefs and your walk with God..it is a wholeness and a pureness...and it feels so right

For I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the LORD!
Jeremiah 29:11

I found this today and thought I could write so many testimonials for this thought..but it is true..Being strong sometimes is the only choice..the past 3 years have shown me I can handle alot but it isn't always easy or is it an asset..but it is an ability..ok one I have used alot..but I am ok...

The Homeboys!

I have been a Duck fan since very young and growing up in Eugene area meant driving past the campus and going to Autzen Stadium. Sports camps, drama groups and sometimes just grabbing a bite to eat, made going to the campus a larger than life experience. My boys spent 4 summers attending wrestling camp for 2 weeks at the U of O..I felt like I was returning to college again.. walking thru the dorms and listening to their adventures and the runs on Autzen's stairs...the games I attended were so exciting and full of OOOOOOOOO's and fan support..sometimes it makes your skin tingle (well ok sometimes that is because it is soo cold you lose partial feeling) but the smiles and the laughter and all the green and gold..it is like a county fair without the rides..or Disneyland..The Greatest Place on Earth (why not we already have the Duck!)

All season the hype has been there..sitting on the edge of my chair..sometime almost on the floor..and the next day's raspy voice yet a smile that couldn't be stopped..because the day before was a Oregon Ducks football game..I had eyes wide with excitement, nails clutching at my seat and forget the eliptical I did enough cardio for a week with jumping up and down and hollering...GO GO GO YESSSS that's My Ducks! Sometimes a OHHH No Ohhh Cmon..I BELIEVE...whew a perfect season ended with a victorious win again Oregon State..now to wait for Jan 10, 2011

I found that this year Dec 25th excitement wasn't for Christmas but it meant that many days closer to the Natty's and closer to see the Ducks represent. Ohhh a 10 days left countdown seemed to drag on..teasing me and making me wait to see the end one way or another to a glorious 2010-2011 football season

I played I LOVE MY DUCKS and Return of the Quack so many times my dog now wags her tail in rhythm and all the neighbors shake their heads. December was celebrated in Yellow and Green ..what.. wait Red and Green..huh?? we live in Oregon..YELLOW and Green..Go Ducks Go replaced Ho Ho Ho and the posts on Facebook were of excitement for that guy to arrive..no not Santa..Chip Kelly!

In the meantime we had announcements of awards and recognitions and outstanding player awards from across the nation in support of my Ducks..Coach of the Year..Chip Kelly was announced more than once..and my favorite lists weren't groceries or "Santa I Wants" but were AP Polls, Coaches Polls and BCS standings..continually in the top 2 and usually #1..

Listening to Sebastian Bach rock the Ducks Power Ballad and Ellen was at the EMU on campus, celebrities support the big O gear and people all over the State of Oregon rave and CHEER...WE LOVE OUR DUCKS..because we do..we really do

It has been a tough economic year and for many a downturn and struggle..and here was a team pulling us together good or bad and kept rolling in the wins to support their fans, school and state. Chip Kelly kept the group respectful and honorable..building a team & bringing a state together.

So after a 10 day countdown, tonight was the night..and it was our night..not for a win but for pride and sportsmanship, for true fans and a great state..There is always a winner and a loser by points..but for heartfelt and loyal fans The Ducks are winners..and without really knowing the true impact they have had.. they gave joy, pride and dignity to the State of Oregon..they made this fan more than once have tears of joy and smiles of pride...

So with my heart I posted this last night on my Facebook page and meant every word:

They made school history, 12-0 season, took home a slew of trophy's..Chip Kelly was named & awarded many Coach of the Years..La Michael James won many awards..we were in the top 2 90% of the season & were #1 on many of the polls all season...many of the players coming back next year..they were respectful and honorable and represented Oregon and its finest..THANK YOU U of O 2010 Players and Staff..GO DUCKS!!