Happy Holidays 2012

Difficult to believe this year is almost at a end! It has been a eventful and busy year of change

I moved to Rockaway Beach mid summer in time for 3 months of decieving sunny warm weather..because when the rain and storms hit they REALLY hit!! I enjoyed the warm weather, blue skies and long walks...I dont enjoy the high winds, pouring rain and flooding!

I love my new job as a Family Care Specialist. Working with families in a social work setting has always been my goal. To see the changes and be able to help guide and give them tools to be better parents and keep their kids safe is challenging but definately rewarding.

Cory is now in Austraila and currenting driving circus and fair rides as it is summer there and he is loving traveling! He will be returning to the States in late March or early March with Yu Hsin along to start a new chapter in the USA

Nick is finishing college and working many hours building pizzas. Nick had a great summer of learning the siding and window install trade and impressed all with his ability to learn and work long hours and a physical trade.

I tend to drive between Portland and Tillamook as I am very blessed to have wonderful friends and kids that I enjoy spending time with. They remind me to breath, live and remember life can be good.

This holiday has been one of peace and change. Finding new ways to celebrate and finding many blessings along the way. Smiling is no longer a chore but a enjoyment. Life will never be as it once was and is only what I build and choose it to be. I am finding to use the past as a tool to continue to make the future a better place. It is hard at times to walk forward when the past holds comfort...but is no longer living when that is where I sit..I have alot to live for, a lot to see and so much to enjoy...I am more than ready to keep making those steps forward to to find the places and people who bring me joy and smiles. Every day wont be perfect or happy but it is progress forward that I look forward too..

I hope each of my friends, family and those to still meet find peace, love, joy and most of all contentment and fullfillment in the upcoming year...Never stop dreaming or wishing..make plans for the days ahead..let go of the days past..

Peace and Wishes

Stephanie

The Move

Calm..Serene..New Starts..

I packed, moved and settled..The Pacific Ocean is in my front yard and the sound of the ocean is what wakes me..

The nights have started to be more peaceful..with less anxiety and loneliness. This is a new start but filled with blessings. My years of schooling & hours apon hours of experience & internships to find my niche in Social Services has become reality. I am excited at this opportunity.

The last part of the grieving process..moving from the comfort of Wilsonville was a struggle and emotional. It is there I began to let down walls and open up to love and finally trust and feel safe. I raised 2 wonderful boys, have a strong circle of people I calls friends and for some they have become my family. But it was time to find me..find a place I could stand on my own and begin to walk forward..taking many breaths...

But this wasnt a move to leave quickly in the dark, leaving behind my home and friends. This move was for growth rather than for my safety. My friendships will continue, my kids have been blessed with so much support in the community and from friends. The boys continue to amaze me and show me how they will achieve so much in life.

Life has had so many turns, bumps, sadness..yet interwoven with bright moments, accomplishments and smiles..and so now this chapter begins...on my own

I think that loving me is more important than having others love me...for once I can love and accept who I am, I can then be whole and strong to love another. I dont need someone to complete me, for I want to be whole and complete within myself but I want that person to walk beside me...not in front or behind me...but beside me. To encourage on the days I feel weak, to smile on the days i am elated and to find joy and delight in all that excites me. I in turn want to find that someone to share all of those momnents with them..to be their everything.

I know that this is possible (for those who scoff)..I know it takes work... I know it has its stumbling moments..but dont give up...

We have become a society that is disposal...divorce rates are outrageous..people have lost faith in forever and instead when it gets rough they let go and move on.But what if you stood together, weathered the storm and communicated..truly and openly talked..solved problems, found solutions (even if they are uncomfortable, difficult or painful)

If it was once worth the effort and time to build, isnt it worth the time to preserve? The National Historical Society would tell you they no longer make buildings like this; spend the time and money to take care of and preserve the building, do not take the easy was and tear it down. Are relationships and humans not even a more treasured existance, made of flesh and blood that can be stronger then wood and building products and far more precious...

I know that I had the opportunity to build, preserve and work thru the difficult and it was worth the moments of pain and tears compared to the many days of smiles and joy...and I do believe it isnt outdated or impossible...but it is worth the time...

Be amazing, give amazing ...love you for all you have to offer...continue to enhance your strong points, strengthen your weak points

The most wonderful thing about being me..is no one else is me...I am my own model... my own being...

Still finding me..sucessfully!

Deep breath...so last year at Memorial Day I had a healing journey...one that lead to many tears, smiles and doors closed and the finding of old friends.. And I discovered I am still me...still ok..but ready for new chapters, new experiences and new days... I have begun to live and the sun soaks my bones (when it isnt raining) and my smile is there...I am proud of the journey that continues...secure in who I am, strong in my path and realized all I have no regrets but on learning experiences. It is history learn from it and do not repeat it..but it is all a part of who I am..pain joy sorrow happiness frustration contempaltion fulfillment and loss but it all has been chapters in my story... And so it continues...one day at a time...

The one day a year....

Some days stand out more prevalent than others..with memories, sounds or scents...sometimes all three..some a flashback and some I can playback almost the whole day or scene and see details... Valentine's Day was the last holiday spent together...every year pink carnations and daisies adorned the table with Jelly Bellies or gummy worms (not a chocolate girl)yet in 2007 silk roses and a teddy bear sat on the table.."These will last forever and you wont have a collection of vases under the sink anymore" he proudly said...who knew that these would be the last gift, a forever reminder of Valentines Day 2007, perched on the shelf in my room...still there. I am not dwelling or grieving..I am no longer sad but life changes and a loss leaves a mark. It is impossible not to feel or have a reminder. Regardless of what the experience, we have memories..some more prominent than others.. It seems to be the one day a year I have a reminder that life is precious and changes quickly...within 2 weeks of the Valentine's Day my life dramatically changed, no longer were we planning our future, our wedding, our new home...I was planning a funeral and selling the house and comforting the kids... Valentines is a day of love and sweethearts, of a reminder that we say I Love You or Be Mine..it is a day of hearts, candy and flowers..it is a day to remind someone they are special...but not just the one day...every day we should remember and say Thank you, I Appreciate You..to truly listen and spend quality time with those important to us When I was asked to write this blog it took me a while to figure out WHY me..I am single with a houseful of teen boys and have just started back into the dating world...my Valentines Day outlook is very different from many. But my outlook on the importance of life is strong and the value of those in our lives is great..and so not every day is hearts and flowers but everyday is a chance at life and to share and give..

And we are 3 again...for a short time

Today has been a long 18 month count down...today my oldest son arrives from Taiwan via a short stop over in Seattle to visit... Cory Evan truly gave my life meaning and made me realize how the smallest of things were to be treasured and recognized. I knew from a young age I wanted to be a Mom. My dad used to cook breakfast and as I sat at the table he would ask what life would hold for me as I grew up..and my answer was always the same "I just want to be a Mom and well maybe a job but really I just want to be a Mom" then the answer was always how many kids.."I want 12 of them (ok so that was at the age of 6 or 7) by the time I was in high school I knew I wanted kids and I thought 4 to 6 would be my perfect big family... I was blessed with 2 birth children but have raised and loved many...I still know my best job and most important role in life has been to be a Mom. I loved being a wife and having a family. I truly am too domesticated and would give Betty Crocker or June Cleaver a run for their money...but in the end my most important job has been being a Mom. Having a family in any regards as a single Mom or as a wife and partner is beyond a joy and so fulfilling... When Cory was born my life was in turmoil..my marriage already showing signs of concern but here was this perfect beautiful bundle of life...regardless of the situation I was so happy and felt a part of my heart captured. I was teaching preschool and kindergarten so Cory came to work with me and he was such a joy and how everyone loved him. Cory was a quiet baby that watched and took in all that was around him, his blue eyes were so full of life. Cory was always the first child to offer to help, to work extra, to exceed expectations and take full joy in his accomplishments and learn from his mistakes. He really never was a tough kiddo to raise he almost was as tough on himself as anyone else could ever have been when life handed him hard lessons! (a lil too much like his Mom)He loves big hugs and long talks, he appreciates the small things in life and loves animals and kids (hence his desire to continue to work with children). When Cory decided to go off to Taiwan I knew he had all the tools and would dazzle with his abilities and desire to succeed to learn. I also knew my heart would hurt and I would miss him dearly but I knew he would do ok and he would make me proud..and he has!I am envious of his travels and see the world thru his eyes, pictures and words and I know I will always be his Mom and as much as I would love to keep them little I am overjoyed at watching him grow up. His next adventure to Australia should prove exciting and worldly and another stamp in his passport! To raise kids that are productive people in society, the community and in their homes and families is one goal every parent hopes for. I want my children to be educated, hard workers, honest and real with themselves and achieve their goals but also be able to weather the ups and downs life hands us..and Cory is proving those skills and abilities...he will go far and he will succeed and he will always be my first born son..he showed me that my life dream to be a Mom has been so worth every minute! And I still have Nick at home and who knows who else will enter my life...but I am glad I didn't have 12 after all (I think my Dad is glad too!!)

Happy Holidays

In my living room are the wooden letters that spell FAMILY, the metal letters that spell BELIEVE and LIFE, words in pictures that spell CHERISH and soon my tree ornament that spells WISH in crystals will dazzle in holiday lights...and each word holds a part of my returning to the daily want and need to live...each is a reminder of the year (2007) since I have had to remember to breath instead of it being an automatic bodily function...there were truly days it was so painful I wanted to forget how important that small word meant and the possibilities it held for a new day...so this year BREATHE reminds me of its small yet vital importance to each minute, each hour and a new day....just breathe... This has been a year of many breathes, new starts, new discoveries and a return to feeling...and as I took a deep breathe I realized I would survive and I am thankful for each painful and sorrowful day as I am discovering it is ok to live and feel and I feel blessed .. I usually send out Christmas cards...I am sorry I haven't yet for those of you waiting but I want to take pictures with BOTH of my kids home and spending time together at the holidays. I am anxiously waiting for Cory to return December 20th and reunite with Nick and I. I am thankful he has had the discoveries he has had and is again embarking on.. in January 2012 as he goes to Australia! I am thankful for Yu Hsin in his life who has been by his side and he has discovered how beautiful and wonderful life and being in love is..his future is his and he is seeing the world and as much as I miss him daily I am excited for him! Nick moved home in March and was able to enroll in a highly qualified Fire Science program at Portland Community College. He is such a independent young man and spent the summer working not one but 2 jobs and attending summer college classes (he finished with a 4.0 GPA). I don't always see him daily but he does check in (often if we are out of milk!) and Troy moved back in..the boys have turned the garage into a "man cave" and have quite the set up out there! I went to San Francisco in July with Becky and we had a great 4th of July at Fisherman's Wharf, went to a Giants game and explored the city. I had a wonderful visit with Maxx and KT* as my brother and sis in law found a quick family need for Oregon help...and I felt so blessed to have such wonderful and a beautiful visit with the kids. I realized how fast my nieces and nephews have grown up and how much I truly love each one for who they are and the lives they lead. I am thankful for the relationships I have with each one and how i love by brothers and sisters and feel so fortunate to have a big family and so much support and love. They encourage, support and love thru good and bad..and sometimes it isn't easy :o) And my friends are all so different from one another but so precious in their part in my life...and often remind me to just enjoy it...life has many ups and downs and it helps create who we are...embrace the good with the bad, strengthen yourself with the lessons and we truly learn by not repeating the mistakes but by changing them...and thru it all Just Breathe... I will send out 2012 New Year cards with pictures of Joy, Family and Fun...and I hope all of you have a phenomenal Holiday and a new year is days away...find your Dreams and Wish...always Believe and Cherish one another.... Stephanie

Life's Puzzle...

I have made strides where I never thought my heart or mind would ever take...doors opened I never thought there were keys for and been blessed with phenomenal children, family and friends who encourage each step and listen to each cry and feel the warmth of each smile... So many blessings that it makes this time of the year a time to reflect and remember how far we have all come and yet there is so much still to create and seek...Life as amazing as it is.... it is still a puzzle that is completed one piece at a time... I have realized why I ALWAYS put the outside edges of the puzzle together first...they are simple, they make sense and are easy to find..they have a defined shape and lines and make the foundation easy...the inside pieces are all different colors and shapes and have to be turned around put together and taken apart to find the exact combination to fit together... Puzzles are one of those things I like to work on then for awhile, then walk away and come back when I have patience and time...sometimes Life doesn't give us that time and I have to remember my patience and take a deep breath...but keep working on each part and the end result can be a amazement of many little pieces that create a picture or scene... And then after lunch today a friend said..."You are such a beautiful puzzle..so many amazing parts and pieces...you offer so much and give to so many...I cant wait to see what happens as you keep putting the pieces together... So here I go....

Sharing...

Sometimes sharing is as simple as "all the toys are for all the kids"...sometimes it is breaking that cookie in two parts...

Sometimes it is talking about some of the important or intimate parts of your life...And sometimes THAT sharing is the toughest! Why does opening up feel so raw at times..

Trusting someone with you past or struggles, joys and accomplishments can be a very close feeling..and it is Ok! For most know I have walls that have protected me for 4.5 years..not negative walls but ones that helped me survive. But I am feeling ok with trusting and letting go and stepping away from the santuary of keeping everyone at a distance..for those who have had patience and continued to wait...thank you for believing in the "day" when I would remember it was ok and wonderful to be alive...

Things still take time...such as tonight I am still at work and thought WHY arent you headed home...I miss being soo excited to walk thru the doors...for that hug and kiss, for the time of making dinner, listening to the kids while sharing a meal, washing dishes and cleaning up, watching tv and telling the kids goodnight and just the peacefulness of family time. Sometimes we forget to step back and look at even a hectic day as being a blessed day...remember to listen to the kids, kiss and hug and make everyone so glad to be home..we should all look forward to driving home (there was a time long ago I dreaded it with fear and anxiety)..Someday coming home will be easier...for now one step at a time!

LaDeDa...only in Yachats!

This weekend is the 4th of July weekend and if you arent already on vacation...this is the place to be!

It reminds me of community, patriot spirit, neighbors and serenity! I love this sleepy yet vibriant town tucked away on the Oregon Coast..not a tourist attraction of the hustle and bustle and imported souveniors but instead homemade goodness and unique items! From my FAVORITE coffee and goodies shop The Village Bean to Raindogs and the best Taffy and Candy store to the cozy kitchen shop (amazing items you cant find ANYWHERE else!) To The Turtle Island Candle Shop and we love love the bookstore...Oh and Heidi's pizza and Deli to the Green Salmon.. everywhere you go is smiles and door being held open..please and thanks and a hug from some..it is like going home to comfort!

The 4th is sooo FUN...pie at the local community center to dancing and music at the Green Salmon...the beach for beautiful fireworks and the best...the LaDeDa Parade..it reminds you of why we LOVE being American...the colors, characters and creativeness...you must must must go!!! Check out GoYachats on Facebook for up-to-date events and OHHH visit the Whale in the Park!! if I wasnt headed to San Fran I would most definately be here for the weekend...and bring an empty tummy this town is full of delights!